An opinion piece by Ling Sing Lin
“Put you through Customs”
I read a true story in Quora where the younger brother, after his graduation, was invited by his elder brother to stay in his house which was in another US state. At the end of the visit, the elder brother told his sibling that he would put him through customs, meaning that he would check his brother’s luggage for any items stolen from his house. (We know that people in Singapore upon the helper’s departure do the same procedure, often with justification.)
The younger brother was understandably aghast. Then he realized that his elder sibling had a habit of filching from their parent’s house. This elder brother therefore assumed that everyone else was like him. This is called projecting, where the person unconsciously takes on unwanted emotions or traits he doesn’t like about himself and attributes them to someone else.
Another feature is gaslighting, which is a manipulative tactic to gain power and control of another individual, by planting seeds of doubt in another person’s mind, causing the targeted person to question himself.
Anti-social Behaviour
There are many different types of anti-social behaviour. Personal anti-social behavior targetting specific persons, nuisance anti-social behaviour like excessive noise, and environmental anti-social behaviour when it affects public spaces or buildings.
Some examples of personal anti-social behaviour which I have personally encountered or observed are:
-“keying someone’s car” if he felt that the driver had parked inconsiderately. (This means you use your car key to surreptitiously put a long scratch on a car as you walk past it, so that no one notices)
-stealing money if he can get away with it. This includes stealing the ‘white gold’ collected at a wake, by “kindly” volunteering to do the collection for a grieving friend.
-after he has wronged someone, he badmouths him. Then when this person who has been wronged complains, he would not be believed.
-reporting to authorities minor infringements committed by others. The police receive many such calls from the same person.
-lying compulsively
Own Worst Enemy
Because such people believe that other people also behave in the same way (projecting), they distrust everybody, thinking the worst of others. They are actually their own worst enemies, as they believe that others are out to get them. They don’t trust anyone.
Relationships
Let us look at a very different scenario, where you are kind and decent and helpful to family and friends. You are generally well regarded. However, if on one occasion you behave very badly, saying untrue and unkind things, you are likely to lose the goodwill you had before.
This is akin to a glass of water or any other drink which is eminently drinkable. Once something horrendous drops into the drink, like a lizard, cockroach, bird poop, poison, or whatever, the drink is condemned and will never be consumed. A good relationship can similarly turn toxic quickly.
Good relationships take time to be nurtured, but can be destroyed very quickly and will never go back to what it was before.
What then if you have behaved deplorably for much of your life, exhibiting anti-social behaviour. Once you are found out, your friends and acquaintances will fight shy of you. You will lose your friends. Unfortunately such people have no insight, that they are the cause of their own downfall. They are their own worst enemies.
lingsinglin
Dr Ling Sing Lin is a medical doctor by training. She worked in MOH HQ for many years, in policy making and administrative positions, until her retirement.
