By Alan Ho Chok Chan
Not everyone is blessed with the gift of perfect recall.
I calculated, about a decade and a half of my life’s journey has been irretrievably lost, with either hazy impressions or single-minded focus on a singular objective in life, to the exclusion of everything else, which, in retrospect, I regretted somehow. Because during the lost years, there was little social or spiritual growth. I often wonder, if I could turn back the clock, would I have taken the road less travelled, and would I turn out to be a better person than the one you know today ? It is a moot question and we shall never know.
The first period was between three and seven years of age : I was afflicted with epilepsy. The fits came on anytime, anywhere, without fever, without provoking factors , which was a sinister sign. Some patients never get out of fits and seizures their entire lives, some needed lifelong medications, which dulled their sensorium and thwarted mental development .I recalled the aura —the surroundings gets dimmer and dimmer, the ceiling recedes further and further away, I became smaller and smaller, exactly like the episodes depicted in Alice in Wonderland, where the central character, Alice, shrank in size, and entered the rabbit hole into a wonderful new world of giant plants, insects, wondrous characters like the White Rabbit, the Queen of Hearts, the Caterpillar, the Cheshire Cat, the Mad hatter….
Following the miniaturisation of my universe, I threw a fit and lost consciousness.
My family panicked and consulted doctors, temple mediums, fed me all sorts of concoctions, and, when none worked, fed me phenobarbitone and kept me sedated, praying for the amelioration of the convulsions. I was treated and confined to my room, cloth restrainers and wooden spatulas wrapped in muslin, to keep me from biting my tongue during fits are my constant companions, and the sickly sweet smell of the phenobarbital syrup is constantly at the back of my throat…I learnt not to gargle or retch it out as I will be fed another obnoxious dose when the adults discovered it under my pyjamas, beddings or under the bed.
So I lost the best part of my childhood : when I am not convulsing, I am in a drug induced haze caused by sedatives/ anticonvulsants.
Eventually the fits became less frequent , reduced in intensity, finally stopped. I emerged at seven: wan, weakened and a loner, just ready for school, but my parents did not have high hopes in my academic performance. They believed I was damaged goods.
Children learn through play and interaction with other children. I missed all of that. But when I re-joined the real world where children lived and played, in a state of heightened alertness, I went in with a vengeance, as if making up for lost time.
If Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland because he also suffered from a type of epilepsy called temporal lobe epilepsy, I salute him because the book became one of the classics among children’s books. And it read like the story of my life.
Dr Alan Ho Chok Chan is a paediatrician is private Family Practice. He also spends time golfing, swimming, playing tennis, wine tasting, playing guitar and singing. He is also a bibliophile and a voracious reader.
