This article was written in memory of Mr. Wee Sin Tho. He passed away on 29 February 2020.
I never really thought about the harmful effects of complaining until I met Mr. Wee Sin Tho.
In September 2019, Prof Kua Ee Heok invited me to participate in the Nature and Mindfulness Study (NaMAS). While walking in the Botanical Gardens, I got to know Mr. Wee Sin Tho (founding chairman of the Mind Science Centre) during the last year of his life. One thing that struck me was Mr. Wee and his calm and collected disposition.
I made an effort to talk to him, and after some time, he felt comfortable enough to talk to me about his cancer journey – he had stage 4 cancer. Of particular interest to me was his patience during follow-up in hospital visits. For example, he had to wait for a long time in the Radiology Department. I listened and offered to expedite matters (I was still Professor of Radiology then.) He never took up the offer. He never complained.
One day he asked me to do him a favour. He asked if I could write (on his behalf) a chapter on mindfulness practice in a book called Nature. Health. Happiness. I hesitated. I had zero knowledge. He reassured me that I could learn, and he would be happy to share his experience.
It was remarkable for a man who has undergone the torments of a most challenging journey to remain totally in control of his emotions – and not a word of complaint. A discussion on complaining soon set me off to discover this typical human behaviour.
Complaining is expressing discontent or resentment. People say ventilating is good for us. No, it is not. It affects our brain, our happiness, and the happiness of others. I discovered a long time ago that I did not feel happier after complaining. And I don’t particularly appreciate listening to complaints. (I had to listen to lots of them when I was the head of a department!) I think we all know complaining is bad for our mood and those around us listening.
Stanford University researchers found that complaining reduces the size of our hippocampus (which is responsible for memory and problem solving). It is also habit-forming – the more we complain, the more likely we continue to complain. (Practice makes perfect!) When we repeat certain behaviours, our neurons improve the efficiency of transferring information. They become automated. We don’t think anymore – just like we don’t think about how to go home.
So, the next time we feel like complaining, break the habit and pause for a moment – we do have a choice – to complain or not to complain. Do realise when we complain, we release the stress hormone cortisol. Repeated complaining results in higher hormonal levels, increasing our risk of developing heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, and strokes.
I rarely feel like complaining these days. (This is because I am out of touch with it!) However, on occasions when I feel the need to complain, I do two things. Firstly, I shift my attention to being grateful for something. In doing so, I flip from being negative to positive. Taking time to reflect on things I am thankful for reduces the release of cortisol and improves my mood. Secondly, I start to find a way to solve what is troubling me. In this way, complaining has a purpose, and not for its own sake.
For every problem under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none
If there is one, try to find it
If there is none, never mind it.
Complaining is not innocuous – it is harmful. We have a better choice – choose to be positive and to be grateful.
Vince
Dr Vincent Chong is a retired Professor of Radiology at Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, National University of Singapore.
