The result of this unique study is a timely reminder for all generations.
If we ask young people what they think are the most critical factors that make them happy, their answers are predictable. Survey after survey shows they are related to fame and fortune. What if we ask older people to tell us, in their experience, the essential ingredients of happiness? Their answers? Good relationships. These findings should provide a reality check for young people setting out in their lives.
In 2016, Dr. Robert Waldinger (Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School) gave a TED Talk on a 75-year-long study on factors that make people happier and healthier. He outlined three aspects: social connections, quality of relationships, and their protective effects on body and brain functions.
Social connections make us live longer and healthier. Friends and family are critical for our well-being, while loneliness is toxic. Follow-up studies show that lonely people are less happy, have poorer cognive functions, and shorter life spans.
It is not only the number of friends that count. It is the quality. Close relationships with spouses, relatives, or friends make us happier and healthier. A high conflict marriage is particularly harmful, worse than the consequences of a divorce.
Good relationships protect our bodies and brains. Happy people who have stable and secure connections have better health, and they remain sharp in their old age.
There is an apparent misalignment of what younger people think and what older people know about happiness. We can examine these issues from the perspective of a doing and a being culture.
The doing culture is about striving to achieve some targets. It is task and achievement-oriented. The reward for attaining these targets are money, status, or recognition. They often happen in a stressful competitive environment. The doing culture is the focus of younger people. It is the work culture – work harder, achieve more, and climb the social ladder – in the belief we will be happier.
The being culture, on the other hand, is people-oriented. We feel fulfilled performing the roles in human relationships (family, friends, and others, including strangers). Happiness is the fulfillment of playing those roles, for example, being good friends. Yes, just be being – being attentive, being helpful, being thoughtful.
The being culture calls for a long-term investment of our time in people. Human relationships are often messy and challenging, but they are also rewarding. A good way of investing in people is to show we care for them. And to show we care, we give the most precious thing that we can offer – our time. The amount of time we give to any particular individual is a good indication of the level of care we have for the relationship.
I think Robert Frost captured the sentiment of spending our precious time on building relationships:
We invest well when we invest our precious time in relationships.
Vince
Dr Vincent Chong is a retired Professor of Radiology at Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, National University of Singapore.
