Getting Along with Ourselves

Getting along well with ourselves makes us resilient.

The economic situation in the UK was not very good throughout the ‘80s. The unemployment rate was two digits; Margaret Thatcher was busy reforming the system and dismantling state-owned industries. The union-bashing often resulted in widespread strikes. I remember she asked, “Who runs the country, the unions or the Government?”

Labour union strikes were common in the UK in the 80s

I finished my Radiology training in 1984. Jobs were hard to come by, even for the locals, let alone foreigners like me. There was one job available after a long search, a position in Burnley, north of Manchester. But my consultant gave me a straightforward opinion, “Don’t go there; you should go home!” Burnley was a depressing place. BBC reported (in 2012) that it had the highest number of unoccupied properties, a sign of significant economic difficulty.

I was, of course, disappointed that I could not advance my ambition in academia (in a first-world country). Years of dreaming of being an academic came to an end. I decided to head back. I was a failure. But this failure introduced me to a new and comforting concept – self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. Be resilient. I eventually became a tenured professor in the 11^th ranked university in the world (National University of Singapore).

We dislike people that are harsh or critical. Yet, we do the same to ourselves (to varying degrees) and make ourselves miserable. We value people who understand us – with all our blemishes – they have the capacity for compassion. We should, likewise, show compassion for ourselves – self-compassion.

Self-compassion is a construct with three components: self-kindness, a recognition that we are part of humanity, and awareness of our own emotions.

I am, like everyone else, part of humanity, an imperfect person in an imperfect world.

Self-kindness is having compassion for ourselves. It is the same kindness that we show to our friends when they face difficulties, life struggles, personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies.

When we are self–compassionate, we recognise and accept our humanness. We do not judge ourselves harshly as we are imperfect individuals in an imperfect world. The more open we are to this reality, the more we can accept and adapt ourselves. Take comfort in these words:

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in good spirits.
Robert Louis Stevenson

The third component of self-compassion is awareness of our emotions (mindfulness). It reminds us to respond to our thoughts and feelings without judgment. We do not need to be critical; we need not treat ourselves harshly. We may be just victims of circumstances. Self-compassion is equally relevant when suffering stems from our inadequacies. They alert us to opportunities for growth improvement. Smile (and take comfort) with these words: